Surviving Home Confinement Part 1

Advice from someone who did it for 3 months

Hello all! I hope everyone is doing as well as can be excepted under the current circumstances. Like most (hopefully ALL) of you, I’m currently at home practicing some “social distancing,” and I have seen a lot of people on social media asking for tips on how to get through the next few weeks (mentally and emotionally speaking) without leaving their homes except for basic necessities and medical care. You WILL get through this. I know because I practiced some extreme “social distancing” in 2019 for three whole months in the form of pregnancy disability leave. (If you are reading this and thinking “But my maternity leave was a dream! I loved taking the baby on walks and out to lunch with my friends!” please know that was not my experience, although I wish it had been.)

I gave birth to a giant chunck-a-dunk baby in May of 2019 via C-section. Because of his enormous size and because I was recovering from major surgery I was physically unable to carry my baby up and down the stairs or get him into the car by myself for about 10 weeks. Once I was finally able to actually get him in the car, I had exactly 30 minutes to accomplish the only errand I could run on my own before he would scream bloody murder for food: cashing my disability check at a drive-thru ATM and ordering a Diet Coke at the Carl’s Jr. across the street from said ATM. I ran this errand once weekly. That left 167.5 other hours in the week that I was mostly stuck at home, except for a few short outings on the weekends. I feel this makes me at least somewhat qualified to impart some advice on how to get through home confinement without wanting to die or kill your partner.

The next few newsletters I will give some examples of things I did to get through the day. There will not be any stupid advice like “finally write that novel!” because that’s advice that only people who have written one self-published book would give out. In fact, my advice is DON’T write that novel unless you have a really well thought out outline already in hand or have done it before. The absolute grind of trying to write something like that will burn you out.

COMMENCE ADVICE!

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Adopt a soap opera

Okay, hear me out. I’ve long been on record as a big fan of soap operas but watching a daytime soap opera means a lot of things. For one, if you are watching on a regular TV provider it means you are establishing a somewhat regular routine. Routine is important to not feeling like you’re in a free fall or flying by the seat of your pants every day. It also (hopefully) gives you something to look forward to. Secondly, sometimes engrossing yourself with the trials and tribulations of fictional characters can provide some much needed, low stakes escapism. For some people, reality shows provide this and they need look no further. I personally begin to feel pity for many reality show participants and that is the opposite of what I’m trying to achieve. “But I won’t know what is going on!” I can hear you exclaim, but don’t worry about that. Daytime soap operas are literally designed to be on in the background when you do other things and do a decent job of catching you up to speed on the current plot. Here are the four US daytime soap operas still on the air, a little bit about them, and how to watch them:

The Young and the Restless

This show takes place is a fictionalized version of Genoa City, WI. Unlike the real Genoa City, this fictionalized version has at least TWO multinational cosmetic conglomerates, an international airport, a university, an impressive skyline, and is home to like five billionaires. I’ve been to Wisconsin and no one there dresses anything like these people on the show.

How to watch: Weekdays on CBS or CBS dot com (no sign-in required; last five episodes available for free)

The Bold and the Beautiful

This soap takes place in Los Angeles, CA and centers on a fashion house called Foresster Creations. This is by far the lowest stakes soap opera on the list. The main conflicts on this show are things like “Can we get the new collection out on time?!” and not “There’s a serial killer on the loose!” It features a lot of establishing and exterior shots of sunny, beautiful LA vistas, beaches, and mansions if that is your thing. This show takes place in the same universe as The Young and the Restless.

How to watch: Weekdays on CBS or CBS dot com (no sign-in required; last five episodes available for free)

Days of our Lives

This is my current favorite soap opera ever since my beloved One Life to Live and All My Children were cancelled. It’s set in the fictional town of Salem, U.S.A., (recently revealed to be in Illinois close to Chicago). This town also has an international airport, world class hospital, university, and the worst police force in the history of fiction. Be warned, this show has a lot of doppelgangers, capers, hi-jinks, etc. but not in a totally goofy way.

How to watch: Weekdays on NBC or NBC dot com (no sign-in required)

General Hospital

If you have only heard about two things involving soap operas you have heard about Susan Lucci from All My Children and Luke and Laura from General Hospital. Well Luke and Laura are long gone (Laura still shows up I think). General Hospital takes place in the fictional town of Port Charles in upstate New York. The show mostly centers on the mob and organized crime in Port Charles more so than the actual hospital, although the mobsters have to go somewhere when they get shot!

How to watch: Weekdays on ABC or ABC dot com (no sign-in required; last five episodes available for free)

If you have any questions about what the fuck is going on on these shows let me know and I will be happy to explain.

In the interest of not making this a 60,000 word essay I will be back soon with additional advice for staying home and healthy. Until then, please be well, wash your hands, and don’t go to the beach like those idiots in Florida!

Holiday Gift Guide!

100% Amazon free!

I know your inbox is clogged with gift guides featuring $3000 vibrators or whatever, but I thought I would pass on a few gift recommendations. Also I know a lot of people are trying to rely less on Amazon dot com for their shopping needs since it became the Evil Empire in terms of labor relations and almost everything else, so this gift guide is 100% Amazon free! Let’s get started, shall we?

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For The Hippy Dippy Friend

Back to the Roots Mushroom Kit ($19.99 from World Market)

Are you a big fan of the film Phantom Thread? Then do we have the gift for you! Channel that weird sexual energy into poisoning your family and friends with these homegrown mushrooms! OK so presumably these are not poisonous mushrooms but there’s only one weird way to find out!

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California Field Atlas by Obi Kaufmann ($45 at The Last Bookstore)

If you know anyone who is taking even a short road trip around California this book is the perfect gift. The book has beautiful illustrations of California’s topography and comes complete with illustrated wildlife guides. According to reviews on the Website That Shall Not Be Named, this is an interesting read even for those who do not live in California.

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California Plants: A Guide to Our Iconic Flora by Matt Ritter ( $19.25 available direct from publisher)

If you are like me then “What kind of tree is that?” is a phrase you utter almost weekly while roaming around the state of California. Well you can stop asking your one friend who took a botany class in college, because this book offers a colorful guide to California’s native flora. Also, that tree you are looking at is probably an oak. It’s always an oak.

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For parents or parents-to-be

On Becoming Babywise ($10.44 available at babywise.life)

This book is legit. I speak from experience when I say we followed the feeding schedules in this book and our newborn baby started sleeping more hours at night right when the book said he would. He has been sleeping through the night completely since like 10 or 11 weeks. It is geared more towards the two-parent household, though, and is a bit hokey, but if you know a sleep deprived parent of an infant I don’t think they will care. This includes feeding and sleep schedules for 0-24 months. They also have toddler books but I can’t personally recommend them yet.

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Mabel’s Labels Baby Bottle Labels ($24 at Mabelslabels.com)

This is actually a good gift for anyone who needs a washable label for bottles, food containers, etc. The baby bottle labels are customizable with the baby’s name pre-printed on the label. They stay on even when you wash the bottles in the dishwasher and steam sterilize. There is also a place to write the date with a dry erase marker if you are dealing with highly perishable formula or breast milk. If you or someone you know works in an office that encourages labeling your re-usable food containers these may work for that.

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For your super cool friends or maybe yourself

Fila Bomber Jacket ($110 available at fila.com)

This is definitely an item I would see while shopping for others and decide I had to buy it for myself, gift budget be damned. Those on my gift list would probably be happy with Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer instead, right?

Kron’s Truffles ($45 at Dianekron.com)

Initially I was dubious of the claim that these were Jackie Kennedy’s favorite truffles, assuming she subsisted mostly on air, cigarettes, and large sunglasses, but the claim is apparently true according to blurbs in newspapers at the time. These are indeed the real deal. If you have them shipped (also available at their Beverly Hills storefront) they come with A LOT of free samples. They also now offer vegan solid chocolate bars https://www.dianekron.com/shop/bars). Don’t worry, I’ll pick some up in the name of research and report my findings.

3 Month Cookie Subscription from The Milk Jar ($86 at The Milk Jar - 5466 Wilshire Blvd. Los Angeles, California 90036 OR available for shipping nation wide)

I used to work a stone’s throw from The Milk Jar storefront on Wilshire and it’s a charming locally owned shop with actual home made cookies. My favorite is the classic chocolate chip and white chocolate macadamia nut. After vowing to never feature gluten free cookies, they now feature a couple of gluten free options.

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Ridiculous Gifts

Isaia Men’s Track Suit ($1,151at Nieman Marcus)

Listen, I love a good track suit and this one is pretty good. Is it $1150 good? I’ll leave that up to you. I would like to up the ridiculous factor by pointing out only the smallest sizes are still in stock. Perhaps the perfect gift for your very small friend or relative.

White Cable Knit Sweater for a Baby That is Similar to But Not Identical to the One Worn By Chris Evans in Knives Out ($34.95 at Baby Gap)

Do you want your baby to look like a prep school drop out in a murder mystery? The only reason I have this under the “ridiculous” heading is the price. My baby grows so fast I can’t justify spending more than $15 on any one item of clothing. A similar one for grown men can be found at LL Bean. If you haven’t seen Knives Out stop reading this and go see it!

Storm Trooper Special Edition 6qt. Instant Pot ($99.95 at William Sonoma)

I’m pretty sure you can get this size Instant Pot literally anywhere else for less money, but my question is was there a large market of people who wanted to make pot roast super fast but only in a device depicting a space nazi? Also, shouldn’t it be in the shape of the helmet? There are no reviews of this item on the William Sonoma website which is really disappointing because I have QUESTIONS.

Gucci Chenille Flower Track Jacket ($4,200 at Gucci.com)

Gucci has pretty much cornered the market for ridiculous track suits and this one is pretty good. The price does not include the matching pants which are $3,500. Seems like a lot of money for a garment I would still Chipotle on once per month like clockwork but you can’t really put a price on comfort.

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I seriously have like 10 more gifts to talk about but then I will never get this damn thing out. Instead, please enjoy a picture of my beautiful son with Santa:

Happy Holidays!

Quick Thanksgiving Newsletter

Contains Recipes!

In response to my open thread about most and least liked Thanksgiving dishes, I thought a few Thanksgiving recipes could be in order. A lot of you seem to not like the classic Sweet Potato Casserole. For those outside the US, this is what it looks like:

(recipe here)

I prefer this more savory version from Martha Stewart

And of course each year I force my friends and family to eat my Cranberry Jell-o Salad, which can be found on my much-neglected food blog Would Eat

Cranberry Jell-O Salad

1 bag fresh cranberries

Sugar to taste (1/2 c. to 1 cup)

I 20 oz. can crushed pineapple

1 11 oz. can of mandarin oranges

1 package raspberry or cranberry flavored Jello (cranberry Jello is hard to find)

In a medium pot or large saucepan boil enough water to cover the cranberries (3-4 cups) with 1/2c. – 1 cup of sugar until sugar dissolves. Add cranberries and cook until cranberries begin to split open. Drain cranberries and set aside. Drain canned pineapple and reserve juice. Prepare Jello by package instructions replacing around ½ the water with reserved pineapple juice.

Pour 1/3 of Jell-O mixture into a Jell-O mold (a loaf pan also works) and arrange 1/3 the cranberries, pineapple, and oranges in the mold. Let set in the fridge for 5-10 minutes while the remaining Jell-O mixture stays warm on the stove. Repeat with the rest of the mixture and as much fruit as you like. Refrigerate for at least four hours but can be made 2 days ahead of time.

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In case anyone wants to make an expensive fruit pie, I also have a Boysenberry pie on that site as well (includes step-by-step photos!)), but re-posted below for convenience. (Pro-tip: you can use blackberries and few people will notice)

Boysenberry Pie

Makes 1-9inch pie | oven temp: 350°F pre-heated; then 450°F

4 – 5 cups Boysenberries, rinsed and drained

2 tbsp. fresh lemon juice

1 cup white sugar

2 tbsp. corn starch

¼ cup flour

1 tsp. cinnamon

1 double pie crust, rolled out (I use the Crisco pie crust recipe and it works great every time. Double the single crust recipe to give you more dough to work with to make rolling out easier)

2 tbsp. butter, for dotting

• Rinse, drain and dry the berries well

• In a small bowl combine sugar, corn starch, flour and cinnamon

• In a large bowl, toss lemon juice with berries

• Sprinkle sugar and flour mixture over berries and stir to coat

• Press one of the rolled out pie crusts into a 9 in. pie tin, being careful not to stretch the dough out

• Spoon filling into pie tin lined with pie crust (you should have A LOT of filling. If it seems like you have too much filling then you have done it right. If you only fill the pie with berries up to the edge of the pie tin you will end up with something resembling a berry fritata, and who wants that).

• Dot top of filling with butter before placing top crust on. Then tuck the pie crust under and crimp the edges in your favorite style so the minimum amount of filling spills out. Make sure to cut vents in the top of your crust. You can do this before putting it on the pie or after using a butter knife.

• Bake in a 350°F oven for about an hour, or until filling it bubbling, and turn up temperature to 450°F for the last 10 minutes.

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I hope you all have an amazing Thanksgiving! I will be back soon with more Tales From Babyland, but here is a lovely photo of the baby and Santa. Yes, that is a bowtie. He isn’t wearing shoes because I couldn’t find any big enough for his feet that weren’t actual shoes that cost real money.

P.S. I think it’s bullshit there is a watermark on our Santa photos considering the outrageous price we paid.

Halloween Wrap Up

Baby costumes ahoy!

As promised here are some photos of the baby in Halloween costumes. First up…

Elvis. This costume was a hand-me-down from people we never met, so the price was right. It is an officially licensed Elvis costume, by the way. None of that off-brand bullshit in our house!

I think the guitar really sells it. He wore this to his daycare Halloween party and it was a big hit. In true Elvis fashion, he fell asleep at the party and refused to wake up when we got home. Just pretend the pacifier is a bottle of barbiturates and the likeness is uncanny!

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For actual Halloween we dressed the baby up as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, but the costume was so large the baby couldn’t fit into his stroller or car seat so we just stayed at home.

He loves it!

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That weekend I made pot roast, adapted from Ina Garten’s amazing recipe. When I say adapted I mean I used a slow cooker because it was 90 goddamn degrees outside and I couldn’t stand to have the oven on for hours. I did all the first steps in a pot…

…and then cooked it for hours in the slow cooker. I’m not sure if you are aware, but Ina Garten is the Real Deal Holyfield and will not steer you wrong. Even Anthony Bourdain thought so!

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*TW for talk of suicide and traumatic injury*

If you have some time, I recommend reading this fascinating story about Jeff Alm, a linebacker for the Houston Oilers, who took his own life IMMEDIATELY after a car accident he caused in which his best friend was killed. It’s particularly strange because of the circumstances and that impulsive reaction to something traumatic. I only came across this occurrence in a Wikipedia rabbit hole and I haven’t found anyone who had heard of it previously (it occurred in 1993). I think if this were to happen today we would naturally assume CTE was partially to blame, even though he was only 25 at the time of his death.

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As a palate cleanser, please enjoy this gif of the baby smiling at our cat, Carter. He smiled at Robotron yesterday but I didn’t get a video.

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Welp that’s it for now! Did you know you can reply to these emails if you have a question or comment? Well you can. You can also share this endlessly fascinating newsletter with others by clicking below.